How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.