How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Anyone really
SPLOOT
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Social distancing in Australia:
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.