How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
You Might Also Like
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I unironically love this joke.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son