How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I forgot how to panic. Help
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)