The police never think its as funny as you do.
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM