BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
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waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.