Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you