Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Twitter is an abusement park.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder