My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?