You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
how to exercise your calf muscles
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living