– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You Might Also Like
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
That’s fair
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
For those that worship cheese..
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents