AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
A ghost story
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.