I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
You Might Also Like
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that鈥檚 hardcore
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
dating apps aren鈥檛 working so it鈥檚 time to look confused in a trader joe鈥檚
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 馃槼
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Oh, you鈥檙e a witch? Name three children you鈥檝e eaten.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.