@ShrugLord: How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?
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@hippieswordfish: robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers robber 2: huh? robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*
@PajamaBen_: "The Sun is dying. We need help" the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades "It's daylight savings time"
@Ideal_Victoria: Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one” And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day 13 Anthony Weiner decides to help. He takes a photo. He tweets. Congress now sees where balls are located.