Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you