Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”