If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly