“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail