How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes