How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.