One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.