“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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Has there ever been a more American story?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign