“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.