“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is