“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
waiting for halloween be like:
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils