@Kyle_Lippert: "How'd you die?" "I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?" "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."
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@reczit: Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.
@Chelsea_Elle: I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
@wesjohnson8: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."