How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*