How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Goodnight 🐶
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat