“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory