howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!