How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.