Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.