I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”