How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Breaking news:
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell