Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
You Might Also Like
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*sewing*
A thread
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
when you don’t want to be too vague
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
emergency phone
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
absolute chaos
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️