Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
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DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.