Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
You Might Also Like
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Bit chilly again tonight.
a god among men
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite