Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
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#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
We decided to have money instead of children.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.