Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
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National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
When they try to steal your moment.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Baking is just science you can eat.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”