HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If only.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
i actually laughed 😩
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*