HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Same pineapple, same