HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg