I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I was bored.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.