Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes