HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
saw this in a dream
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.