HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Facebook memories be like
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
A fake ID that makes you younger
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*jingles half the way*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.