HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.