Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.