Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Real House Wines.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”