@NikiWithIssues: A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.

@isaidwhat_: Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

@BBQJones28: Family cookouts are spent telling me to "stop...don't say that"

@ddsmidt: I told the hubs someone must've broke in and stole his phone charger. He'll believe that before he'll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

@AthenaMystique: I'd only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine. WHADYA MEAN THEY DON'T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT'S THE POINT, THEN?