[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
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How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Stonehinge
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop