My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Fight
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then